Should You Give Someone Closure?
First of all you can’t give someone closure. They need to get closure for themselves. If an ex-boyfriend or husband contacts you looking for closure, there is a good chance they don’t really want it. Depending on how your relationship ended, unless you disappeared from the planet, they have a good idea why it is over. Since most women are very vocal creatures they have, either through phone calls, email, or in person let their ex know why they ended things. So what is your ex-boyfriend or husband really looking for to get the closure they so desperately need?
If all your ex wants to know is why you left, yet you have already told him several times, refuse. Don’t re-hash things, get yourself upset, or let them get upset in front of you time and time again. Many women have been victims of violence by meeting up with their ex one last time. Sadly, for some that was their one last time for anything, because they were killed. (Of course not every ex is going to hurt you physically.)
If you ended a relationship without saying why and that is all they want to know and it will give them the closure they need. Then let them know. Send a letter, email, or have that conversation in a public place. Now maybe a quiet restaurant is not the right setting, but you can do it at Starbucks or other casual hangout where others are around. Don’t let it drag on. Say what you need to say and be firm. Have a time limit and stick to it. It sounds cold but going over a past relationship with an ex for hours on end often keeps wounds from healing and can even cause new ones.
If you send a letter or an email don’t go back and forth with emails. Tell them why it is over, that it is over, and then STOP. If you really want them to get over you and they really want closure they have to let you go. So many men and women get upset that an ex won’t be “friends” with them. You must understand that sometimes they CAN’T be friends with you because then they CAN’T MOVE ON and can’t get closure. If you have left the relationship and are involved in another it is often the kinder thing to NOT be friends with this person. It is much harder to get closure and move on when your ex is still in your life. When the relationship has the closure it needs maybe then you two can be friends, but quite often not before.
An ex-boyfriend can claim to want closure in an effort to keep communicating with you and seeing you because they want another chance. The ex can think they can change your mind or plead their case and get you back. If you feel this is the case you should really limit communication with them. If they ask you if you are seeing someone else or for details about your social life, end the conversation. Closure is NOT what they are seeking, they want to know your business and if they are an ex, it no longer IS their business.
So, in the end, should you give closure? It is reasonable for someone to want to know why a relationship is over if you have never told them. The answer to that question you CAN give, but closure you cannot.
