First of all you can’t give someone closure. They need to get closure for themselves. If an ex-boyfriend or husband contacts you looking for closure, there is a good chance they don’t really want it. Depending on how your relationship ended, unless you disappeared from the planet, they have a good idea why it is over. Since most women are very vocal creatures they have, either through phone calls, email, or in person let their ex know why they ended things. So what is your ex-boyfriend or husband really looking for to get the closure they so desperately need?
If all your ex wants to know is why you left, yet you have already told him several times, refuse. Don’t re-hash things, get yourself upset, or let them get upset in front of you time and time again. Many women have been victims of violence by meeting up with their ex one last time. Sadly, for some that was their one last time for anything, because they were killed. (Of course not every ex is going to hurt you physically.)
If you ended a relationship without saying why and that is all they want to know and it will give them the closure they need. Then let them know. Send a letter, email, or have that conversation in a public place. Now maybe a quiet restaurant is not the right setting, but you can do it at Starbucks or other casual hangout where others are around. Don’t let it drag on. Say what you need to say and be firm. Have a time limit and stick to it. It sounds cold but going over a past relationship with an ex for hours on end often keeps wounds from healing and can even cause new ones.
If you send a letter or an email don’t go back and forth with emails. Tell them why it is over, that it is over, and then STOP. If you really want them to get over you and they really want closure they have to let you go. So many men and women get upset that an ex won’t be “friends” with them. You must understand that sometimes they CAN’T be friends with you because then they CAN’T MOVE ON and can’t get closure. If you have left the relationship and are involved in another it is often the kinder thing to NOT be friends with this person. It is much harder to get closure and move on when your ex is still in your life. When the relationship has the closure it needs maybe then you two can be friends, but quite often not before.
An ex-boyfriend can claim to want closure in an effort to keep communicating with you and seeing you because they want another chance. The ex can think they can change your mind or plead their case and get you back. If you feel this is the case you should really limit communication with them. If they ask you if you are seeing someone else or for details about your social life, end the conversation. Closure is NOT what they are seeking, they want to know your business and if they are an ex, it no longer IS their business.
So, in the end, should you give closure? It is reasonable for someone to want to know why a relationship is over if you have never told them. The answer to that question you CAN give, but closure you cannot.
Very well said.
I can see some valid points to this but I was in an 8 year relationship with a guy (we met in high school) and one day, he called and ended it. Didn’t tell me why NOTHING. I found out later that he dove headfirst into another relationship but would still call my best friend (they were friends too) and told her “She’s the one for me. I know I’ll end up with her eventually” yet NEVER called me. He just cut me out. I asked for closure (because I needed it) and he never called me back. Obviously, I didn’t try anymore because I wanted to keep my dignity and not look pathetic. It’s been 2 years and I’m still wounded over everything that happened. I’m slowly moving on, but it would have been a hell of a lot easier if we had talked about it. About why it didn’t work. When somebody ends an 8 year relationship and doesn’t even deal with it, makes me know that he’s a coward who just sticks his head in the sand. It made me realize that not giving me closure, was a way of giving our relationship ZERO honor. You need to respect the person you were with so they can move on with their lives.
You are so right!! he IS a coward – he was then and I bet he still is. He did have a great relaitonship with you, but felt he could not honor it the way it needed to be honored and ran away – like a coward. We find this ridiculous and inexcusable. There are proper ways to end a relationship and just walking away and blanking someone is the RUDEST thing you can do. Period. Esp someone you have been in an 8-year relationship with. WOW. We are sorry this guy messed with you. It certainly would have been lot kinder for him to give you the respect you needed and ended the relationship LIKE A MAN – instead of a SPINLES WEASEL
Very interesting. My boyfriend’s last girlfriend essentially left without saying a word. Simply stopped talking to him. He didn’t realize they weren’t together for months! This is because whenever the two of them would fight they would just not communicate for a week or two. I suggested he go look for closure since anything that he sees that reminds him of her starts bugging him (when we pass by where she lives, for example). I hope I did the right thing, and at the very least he told me.
We think it is great that he was that open with you and trusting and comfortable with you to share that story. A lot of guys would hide it. You absolutely did the right thing by telling him to go and find that closure, if he feels he needs it.