Closure ~ You THINK You NEED it…but You Really DON’T
CLOSURE – The mere mention of the word closure makes many do a collective “rolling of the eyes”. When it comes to attaining closure in relationships, we all need to understand that you probably won’t get it from the other person, you must get it from yourself.
There are many scenarios we have seen over the years that have a common thread with women. First, there is the guy that they went out with for a length of time that they developed feelings for that suddenly stopped calling. *POOF*!!! He is GONE. No explanation, no nothing. For some, this situation can become a “mystery that must be solved”. They just have to know WHY this happened, and cannot have closure until they do. They ask themselves numerous questions like :
- Did I say something wrong?
- Did I do something wrong?
- Why doesn’t he want to see me any more?
- How could he do this to me when things seemed to be going so well?
- Did he every really have feelings for me?
- What made him change his mind?
- Should I wait to see if we get back together?
- Was it all lies?
- Does he even care that he hurt me?
The woman’s self esteem and/or ego can really take a hit, and until she knows the answer to WHY he did this, it drives her insane. Women can’t get him off their minds. They NEED CLOSURE and can’t seem to find it. Well, allow me to remove all emotions from this scenario and let’s stick to the facts so we can get you that closure, OK? Let’s start by looking at HIM. You thought things were going great because he didn’t TELL YOU anything was wrong. He was too much of a wussie boy to be honest with you and discuss how he was feeling about your future together. He let you believe he was feeling the same way you were. In other words, he is a COWARD.
Can you really ever TRUST a man who could act like everything is ok and then pull the rug out from under you? NO. What did you do to be dismissed without warning, and then avoided like you have the plague? NOTHING. What kind of man does this make him? AN ASSHOLE. This isn’t about YOU, this is the type of shmuck he is, and 50 bucks says you weren’t the first and you sure as hell won’t be the last woman he tosses aside for no good reason. You don’t think he actually wanted a relationship with you did you? I don’t care WHAT he told you, he is obviously a good actor.
Anyone that wants a relationship with you doesn’t BAIL for no good reason. They try and address what they may be feeling or issues (if there are any) to PRESERVE not toss away, a chance at a relationship. Only someone who isn’t into being serious with you (and possibly anyone else) could do something like this. It is NOT your fault, this person was NEVER going to be in a long-term relationship with you, they misrepresented themselves. I know what many women would be saying at this point “But I felt a connection (we have a numerous articles devoted to this statement) between us”. “I know he liked me and enjoyed my company. That’s fine, and it may even be true for SOME of you, but just because he liked you or thought you were pretty and you liked the same movies or WHATEVER, he didn’t want a long-term relationship with you. His feelings for you didn’t change, they just weren’t strong enough to him to keep going. Not everyone is capable of falling in love with you, just like you are not capable of falling in love with every guy you meet either. It’s nothing personal, so don’t take it personally.
Why isn’t that enough? Men don’t want to tell you WHY they broke up or ended things with you because they don’t want to explain why they don’t consider you the right girl for them. They either don’t want to hurt your feelings OR because they are spineless weasels and can’t face you because they have no good reason for doing what they did. Either way, WHY do you care? Not every guy you date or meet is going to want to spend the rest of their lives with you. And, guess what? Every guy YOU meet isn’t going to be the man of your dreams. It’s OKAY that he left. He did you a FAVOR. He was not the right GUY for you. LET IT GO. There IS no good reason, don’t you get it? You aren’t MISSING OUT on anything.
You want someone who would NEVER do something like this to you anyway, so who CARES why this guy disappeared? He isn’t worth it. MOVE FORWARD. FIND the guy who wants to spend the rest of your life with you. Isn’t that the one you want to end up with anyway? So why waste your time worrying about the WRONG guy? Stop giving a crap. There is your closure.
People think an explanation will give them what they need to move on. First, what makes you think this person is going to tell you the real reason anyway? You didn’t consider the fact that your ex boyfriend or husband would lie?Especially if it makes them look bad? Of course they would lie, your chances of getting the truth out of someone who leaves you is slim. In many cases, they wont. And why does the person need to explain to you why they don’t want to continue being with you? Is it going to change anything? Why is THEIR opinion or reason the thing that gives you closure? That’s how THEY get closure, not YOU. You need to re-asses the relationship, see things for what they ARE. You are looking at what you *thought* they were, or what you *thought* he was like. Obviously it was not what you thought it was, and he didn’t feel what you thought he did. Get your closure and ability to move on the same way your ex did, by realizing that this was not the right relationship. It worked for your ex and it will work for you as well.
What about the boyfriend or husband you spent YEARS or decades with, may have had children with, blah blah blah and one day he up and leaves or tells you he doesn’t love you anymore and then proceeds to act like you either never existed or sets out to make your life a living hell? The shock of this can be truly devastating, and holding it together for your family or just yourself is so very hard. BUT, we have seen WAY too many women who have revolved their lives around a man while being by his side for a long time and then get tossed aside without a second thought and treated like yesterdays garbage only to want him to come back because they can’t move on!
Now I understand why after so many years of being invested with someone how women can have a hard time accepting its really over when it was such a shock to begin with. The feeling of hurt and betrayal are enormous, but the first step is to stop looking back at what you had, and start looking at what this person is NOW. Are they a man you would really want? Someone who could do this to you and your kids? No. The reason women hold on for so long is because they want him to change back to how he was when they first met, treating it like a bad dream that they finally wake up from. They aren’t looking at the damage this person caused and is possibly continuing to cause. That is NOT the person you thought they were, otherwise you wouldn’t have been with them for so long in the first place. But this is who they are NOW.
You must put the past in the past and look at the future with a clean slate. You need to start judging this person in the present, and not allowing them the extra points for how they behaved in the past. It is the PAST. Move past it. In many cases this person has moved on quickly to another woman, which pisses you off even MORE. He is happy, and you are left feeling miserable. You have to stop caring if he is happy or not. You have to focus on making YOURSELF feel happy. Get a new haircut, change your diet and start exercising, get a new hobby, find something for YOU and pursue your own happiness rather than sit by the sidelines and focus on HIS. You can never obtain closure when your focus is on your ex boyfriend or husbands life instead of your own.
When women don’t have closure they often use their time to not only daydream about what the person is up to now, they also need to find out for some reason. Driving by his house to see if he is home, calling him and hanging up, having to get a look at the new woman in his life, breaking into his emails, opening his mail, checking phone records and stalking him online are all wonderful ways of keeping yourself STUCK. Why are you more concerned with his life than getting a life of your own? All that energy wasted on what? Finding out that he got home at 3am on Saturday? Wouldn’t it have been better if YOU had something to DO on Saturday just like he did? And what GOOD does that information do for you anyway? It upsets you? WHy not just stick your face in a fan? That would hurt too, and you don’t have to sit outside someone’s house in your car all night. Reading his MySpace page to find out what he and his people are saying and doing? This gets you what exactly? You need to be good to yourself and stop hurting yourself. You have no control or power over what they did to you but what you do after they left is ALL YOURS. So, if you can’t move on and you “just don’t know why” go look in the mirror, because the reason will be staring right back at you : You are why you can’t move on. It isn’t some mystical force at work. Survive this by living well. That is the best closure of all.
I know I need it – I just have to thave the face to face closure and understand WHY he dumped me. sometimes I think if I can understand it, it will make it easier for me to move on.
thanks! it really helped!
YES it will!