Closure… do you REALLY Want it or Just Using the Need for it as a Way to Keep Obsessing..?
So many women say they want closure yet have a hard time finding it. They wonder why they can’t free themselves from thoughts and emotions regarding their exes. They say they don’t want to think about their ex-boyfriend or ex-husband but their minds always seem to drift in that direction. They can’t sleep at night because their exes are on their minds and when they wake up in the morning they remember the dream they had about him while they were sleeping.
Why is closure so elusive for so many women? Could women actually be sabotaging themselves from getting the closure they profess to want so desperately? Or maybe they don’t really want closure but use their need to have it as a way to keep them locked in their obsessive, unproductive thoughts of getting back together with their ex.
Here are some ways that women keep themselves in limbo rather than get closure:
Needing to know: What is he doing right now? Is he hurting? Does he miss me? Does he regret losing me? Does he plan on reuniting with me? Is he happy that it is over? Is he ready to date someone else? Is he ready to sleep with someone else? Has he slept or dated someone else? Does he care about her? Was the sex good? How can he act like nothing is wrong when I am devastated ? Will he ever find someone he loves more than me? Did he actually love me?
What difference does the answer to any of the questions make in your life? These questions are all about HIM, not YOU. No wonder you can’t move on and move forward!!! The answers will not give you closure, because you will only have MORE questions!
Women have wonderful imaginations and are curious by nature. So if we can’t talk to our ex or find out what is going on, we can simply fantasize about it! You can imagine telling him all the horrible things he has done and why he doesn’t deserve to be back with you, you can imagine tears running down his face when he says how sorry he is, you can go over conversations over and over and over again so you know just what to say should you ever see/talk to him. You can picture him miserable, broken down and suffering. The problem is you are living in your imagination too much rather than accepting your reality and dealing with it.
Taking walks down memory lane: While men try to avoid anything that could remind them of their ex, women tend to do the opposite. Women will re-read emails and letters to the point that they have them memorized. That takes them on a literary journey through the relationship they just got out of and re-opens the wounds so they cannot heal. In most cases at times of breakups, women tend to focus on the “shiny happy times” before your ex showed his true colors. We think of all the things we will miss, how the relationship could have worked “If only he ____”, and the pure shame of it all. What women DON’T tend to focus on is the bad side of their ex and all the reasons why it didn’t work out. What they need to realize though is that the signs were probably there from the beginning. Instead of thinking of all the wonderfulness of your ex, think about how much he made you cry, how often you were disappointed, dissatisfied, insecure, angry, hurt, etc.
But don’t dwell on that either because you still won’t get closure. Give yourself ample time to grieve the death of the relationship and then switch your gears to enjoying your LIFE again. You did before he showed up and you can do it now that he is gone.
Perhaps women feel that they are the ones at fault for the relationship ending and they want some sort of closure so that they know what they did so they can work on it and not repeat it again in the future. Granted the woman isn’t the only one to blame for the relationship ending. It’s just good to know what went wrong. Sometimes ya just need to know.
Unfortuately, its not just women who are guilty of obsessing over broken relationships, men do it too. I will be the first to admit as a guy, it happened to me. The bad part about it was the woman I was involved with turned out to be nothing more than a con artist. Once she used me, it didn’t take her long to find someone else. It took me a long time to find closure, but once I realized what she was all about, I took my life back.
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!! taking our power and our lives back after someone has hurt, used and mistreated us is very difficult for some of us because it does damage our self-esteem but taking the power back is what is needed and required for healing. And you are so right that some men do indeed fall prey to these predators and it is equally as difficult for them to take their lives back. But when you do it is very freeing and powerful! Best wishes to you!